The last two years have been completely full of waiting. As I write this, we still have no idea when our waiting will be over for either of our children. People often ask when Kameron will be coming home, and truth be told, we have no idea. There is so much that goes into adoption and foster care that makes timelines unpredictable. We are dependent on court systems and people doing their jobs correctly and efficiently, all of which are totally out of our control. And while the waiting and uncertainty of kids’ cases can be extremely frustrating, lately I have found myself thankful each time we are asked to wait more. Let me explain. I know this seems like a really odd statement to make. I even hesitate to write it because I hope that no one mistakes my thankfulness for a lack of love or desire to be with my children. I also think its important to clarify that I do not in any way want to make anyone feel shame for how they feel in seasons of wait. If you are struggling in a season of wait and don’t feel thankful, I get that. I don’t know your journey and I am not trying to tell you how you should be feeling– I just want to tell you about what God is doing in our lives.
Before Jesus was arrested He goes to pray on the Mount of Olives. Jesus knows His time is coming to be crucified and He cries out in anguish to God, “‘My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will'” (Matthew 26:39). I love seeing Jesus’ humanity here. Sometimes we forget that He was not only fully God but also fully human, and He can relate to our struggles. He is in agony over the pain He is about to suffer, YET He knows the will of the Father is best. Matthew’s account says that He prays this same prayer three times. I think that is so interesting that He prays the same prayer multiple times in what seems to be a relatively short period of time. When I say that I am thankful for our waiting period, I don’t feel thankful every second of every day. I feel thankful most of the time. But on hard days, I am very literally having to tell myself truth every 5 seconds. My flesh is so quick to forget the wonders He has done and will continue to do.
I love this quote by Vaneetha Risner below, “God knows what I need. I do not. He sees the future. I cannot. His perspective is eternal. Mine is not.” These are the exact types of truths I am having to remind myself of constantly. He is God and I am not. He is good. The more I pray these truths, the more I am able to rest in him. Matthew 11:28-29 says, “‘Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart. and you will find rest for your souls.'” God promises to give us rest from our suffering when we run to Him.
One of my main prayers for all my children is that I would desire His will to be done in their lives above my own. As I have prayed this for my children, I’ve started to actually want His will more than my own. I know that an extra wait is for our good because I trust Him, and I’ve already seen how every extra wait so far has brought us closer to Him. All of the ups and downs of this wait for our children have been so incredibly good for us. God is so loving to us to make us wait because in the wait we have changed. We love Him deeper and we know Him more closely, and that is the best gift He could give us. He helped us grow into a new, more mature understanding of a lot of truths we have always known.
There has definitely been suffering in our wait as we still have an unknown future with one of our kids and the other one we are missing out on this important period of her life. In all our distress, God is teaching us more about Romans 5:3-5, “we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.” Please do not think I am able to rejoice and feel thankful in this period of suffering on my own accord. It is absolutely the work of the Holy Spirit that I am able to look at this wait with renewed perspective.
Ekemini Uwan is one of my favorite theologians. She just gets it. This tweet of hers (shown above) hits the nail on the head. Let’s not forget that God is loving. He acts out of love and ultimately everything is for the sake of His glory. Let’s glorify Him and give Him all the praise in our wait, in our sufferings, in all the in between, because He is so worthy.
James 1:2-4 says, “Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.”